


Worst Kept Secret

by Iamsherlocked07



Category: The West Wing
Genre: M/M, Missing Scene, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:34:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27479632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamsherlocked07/pseuds/Iamsherlocked07
Summary: This is a collection of missing scenes from season 5. I have an HC that CJ and Toby are together for most of this season. I’ve used their super flirty material from this season as a jumping point for some small chapters, each of which will be focused on a different ep. Not sure how many I’ll do or how fast I’ll get them up but I’m thinking it’ll be between 5-10 chapters. This will probably be a variety of genres and I’m hoping to include some Josh/Donna moments. Another HC of mine is that Toby/CJ are the older version of Josh/Donna so there are a lot of parallels. Other characters will probably pop in and out of chapters as well.It’s not a necessity to read my fic titled “Meeting” before reading this but it sets the stage a little bit.Rated explicit mostly for ch 5.
Relationships: C. J. Cregg/Toby Ziegler, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been a few weeks since I posted and I’m feeling a little nervous about this one! It’s different from what I usually do. I hope you all like it! Thank you for reading.

CJ couldn’t say when or how it happened which made it highly probable that neither could he. Somewhere between kidnappings and empty houses and new babies and the admission of assassination, they’d drifted together again. They didn’t discuss it, didn’t need to, really. It was just what they did. Always returning to each other in some fashion. It made things exciting, always kept their relationship new no matter how familiar. But this pattern could also be deeply painful, complicated, messy. When they eventually returned to each other there would be arguments and forgiveness and soothing kisses. Declarations and renewed promises that would eventually be broken. No matter how hard it was, how inevitable the end would be, they’d relish each moment together again. And no matter how much they tried to hide it, their relationship was the Senior Staff’s worst kept secret.


	2. Disaster Relief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from 5.6

Relief washed over Toby as the motorcade pulled up. CJ and the President had only been in Oklahoma for an overnight but he felt her absence deeply. She’d spent most nights in his bed lately. The two of them desperately clinging to one another through changes in their world and their White House. 

She climbed out of the car in the same suit she’d left in. Toby’s eyes never left her, absorbing every movement. Trying to tell her as much as possible without words. 

CJ gave a small smile when she saw him waiting there, crossing the distance between them in a few strides. While they walked he took stock of the sag of her shoulders, the dark circles under her eyes. 

“Where did you sleep?” he asked in a softer tone than usual. 

“Sleep is an overstatement,” she sighed, rubbing her forehead. “I laid down for a few hours. They put some cots in the gymnasium.”

“You slept in a gym so the President could play FEMA?” His anger becoming evident in the rise of his voice, “Is that even safe?”

“The Secret Service was with him the whole time—“

“I meant for you,” he said seriously. She couldn’t help smiling at his protectiveness. 

“I’m okay, Toby,” she assured crossing into her office. He clicked the door shut behind him, gently catching her hand as she walked away. She allowed him to pull her against his chest, his arms wrapping firmly around her back.

“I missed you,” he whispered, carding his fingers through her hair. 

She sighed deeply, settling into him. “I missed you too. When did it get hard to leave each other like this?”

“I dunno.”

She leaned heavily into him, her exhaustion becoming clear. Her voice was quiet when she spoke next. 

“I yelled at the President. I broke down...I told him the world was too scary and I needed him.” Toby rubbed soothing circles across her back and she sighed again. 

“Do you feel better getting that off your chest?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered, pulling back from him. “I’m not sure of anything anymore.” Her eyes were dull, the lines in her forehead more pronounced. 

Toby tucked her hair behind her ear before gently brushing her cheek with his knuckles. 

“Why don’t I get you some coffee? We’ll go home early tonight. You need sleep.”

“Yeah,” CJ nodded, “yeah okay.”

As he reached for the doorknob she spoke again, her voice quiet. 

“Toby, I really did miss you. It scares me but it’s the truth.” 

Toby gave her small smile. 

“I’ll be back,” he answered simply.


	3. Abu el Banat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from 5.9. It always struck me as hard when Toby asks CJ about her dad in this episode. I wanted to revisit that moment paired with her phone call to the hospital later on.

CJ set the phone back on the receiver, swiping away the few tears that stained her cheeks. An overwhelming guilt settled in her stomach. She felt stuck between what she wanted to do and what she felt she should do. Her father was ailing, mostly alone. She was in DC, navigating a job that got harder by the day. Flirting with the man who was somehow her past, present, and future. She heard a shuffle behind her and swiveled away from the window. Toby was standing in her office, hands tucked his pockets, head bowed slightly. 

“Sorry I didn’t hear you come in,” she offered. “Did you need something?” 

Toby closed the door gently behind him. His eyes narrowed as he studied her, noticing the mascara smudged on her cheeks. His face softened and he cleared his throat. 

“I don’t know why I did that earlier,” he said quietly. 

Their fights always seemed to have a subtext. Today’s argument: assisted suicide. CJ was gearing up for a fight they were sure to lose. He had too many plans, too much he wanted to accomplish to waste time like this. Leo finally gave him permission to take over crafting their message and he’d battle anything that got in his way. 

Deep down they both knew she didn’t really want to fight the country over such a volatile topic. CJ was searching for something to fix, something to fight. It infuriated Toby. He didn’t know how to make her understand that wading into waters too deep so she could feel the rush of danger, so she could let herself get hurt, wouldn’t get her what she wanted. It wouldn’t bring her dad back. It wouldn’t absolve her. Still, he regretted his callousness the moment her face registered his words. She left the Roosevelt Room hurriedly, fleeing from his ability to see through her. 

CJ sighed deeply, avoiding his eyes. Toby took a tentative step forward. 

“I was cruel and you didn’t deserve that.”

She worried her lip as fresh tears fell. 

“I’m not good at this, CJ. And this thing between us...I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want this to end badly.”

“Neither do I,” she whispered hoarsely. 

“I tried to outsmart you so I could be in control. So I didn’t feel so scared. I’m sorry, Jeanie,” his shoulders sagged as if his apology had drained the energy from him. 

CJ looked at him, wide eyed. This was new territory for them, she didn’t want to say or do anything to threaten the balance. Toby reached into his breast pocket, pulling out an envelope. He set it on the space in front of her. 

“What’s this?”

“A plane ticket to Dayton,” he said simply. 

“Toby—“ was all she could manage around the lump in her throat. 

“I have one too. If you’d like...I thought I could come with.”

“Please,” she asked in a voice so small Toby’s chest ached. He nodded slightly. 

“It’s late,” he murmured, “I’ll drive you home.”

She wasn’t ready to completely surrender to him, to give in so quickly. Her obstinacy a last defense. 

“I’m fine. I was planning on walking.” 

“Claudia Jean,” Toby warned, “it’s 12 degrees outside. Let me take you home,” he finished, softening his voice. 

“Okay,” she acquiesced.

“Okay,” he replied as he grabbed her coat from the stand.


	4. The Stormy Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from 5.10. I love the part of this ep where he’s sitting in her office when she goes to change. Definitely a moment that needed more attention!

CJ poked her head out of her office door. “Toby?” she called, knowing he wouldn’t have gone far. He peered around the corner looking handsome as ever in his freshly pressed tuxedo. 

“I need help with this zipper,” she whispered. Toby quietly shuffled his way into her office, shutting the door behind him. He stopped for a moment, taking her in. 

“You look...god you look beautiful,” his dark eyes fixed on her lips. 

A rosy blush spread across her chest. She’d hoped the dress would have this effect on him, he always loved her in red. 

CJ turned, exposing her open back to him. Toby’s broad hands tugged the zipper from the small of her back up her spine. When he reached the top he placed a warm kiss to the back of her neck. He trailed his lips across her shoulder and CJ shuddered underneath him. 

“Toby,” she whined, earning a mischievous smile in response. CJ turned to look at him, rolling her eyes exasperatedly. 

“Oh for goodness sakes, would you give me that tie?” she huffed with amusement, looking at his disheveled collar. 

It was her turn to fluster him as she laid her thin fingers against his neck, fiddling with his shirt buttons. She deftly knotted the tie, smoothing her hands down his chest. 

Toby snaked his arms around her waist, pulling her flush against him. 

“I can’t wait to take you home,” he said huskily. 

CJ leaned forward, kissing him firmly. She nipped at his lower lip before pulling away with a wry smile. 

“C’mon Tobus,” she urged, “we have to get going.”


	5. The Benign Prerogative

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from 5.11. They’re so flirty and cute in this episode I can’t stand it!! Plus it’s totally cannon in my mind that they end up sleeping together after every State of the Union because CJ is always so proud and in love, plus his writing is a big turn on.

Reading his State of the Union speeches always made CJ’s knees weak. She was in awe of him, especially this year. Toby had been laser focused, at his professional best. They were back on message, doing real work again. The tension in the West Wing subsided and some days it felt like the early campaign when they were ambitious and energized. 

CJ was thrilled by their success, relieved her job was again fulfilling, less draining. More than anything, though, she was energized by him, by their being together again. Of course, this could end at any moment. It inevitably would because that was her and Toby, forever in a state of vacillation. But for now she was happy and loved and comfortable which was the last thing she expected after the twins were born. CJ wouldn’t take a single moment for granted now. 

They barely tried to hide their flirtation and displays of affection these days. Perhaps it was a product of growing older, more comfortable in their positions. Maybe it was the reminder that life was fragile after Zoey’s kidnapping. Maybe it was the sheer giddiness of being together. Regardless, they couldn’t stay away from each other. He loitered in her office, looking for excuses to talk to her, a habit CJ found endearing. 

Despite his brilliance, their weeks of thorough preparation, the night wasn’t going exactly as Toby had hoped. Breaking news and headlines that weren’t related to the address, a distraught Donna, a black cloud hanging over the President’s head despite the success of the night. 

Still, he’d been overwhelmed with pride when CJ stood close to him during the speech, her fingers twined in his. She squeezed his hand when the room erupted into applause and suddenly nothing else mattered. 

He felt drunk before even arriving at the White House reception. He felt like a flashy celebrity couple as they climbed out of the motorcade, his hand on the small of her back. 

Back in the Mural Room they chatted with guests, making sure to talk to those Leo pointed out . CJ was like a magnet, her eyes searching for him in the crowded room. He’d caught her a few times, offering a small smile or a wink. When she excused herself to do the evening briefing, Toby noticed Josh eyeing Donna from his corner of the room. He shuffled over, speaking quietly. 

“You’d be an idiot to let her go home alone.”

Josh snorted, “You’re one to talk. Whatever you and CJ have going on right now will implode sooner or later.”

Toby looked stunned, as if he’d been slapped. He stared into his cocktail, letting the words hang between them. 

Josh sighed, rubbing his temple “I’m sorry. I dunno why I said that.” 

Toby shuffled side to side, searching for his words. “CJ and I are...complicated. But we’re not just messing around. I do...” he cleared his throat awkwardly, “I do love her.” 

“I know,” Josh took a long sip of his drink, “it’s just getting harder and I’m tired.”

Toby nodded, casting a brief glance around the room. “CJ and I chose this. Most of the time it works for us. The two of you have to figure out what you want.” 

Josh nodded silently. It was a rare moment, Toby being this forward about his personal life. Josh thought he should be annoyed by his unsolicited advice but if he was being honest, it was appreciated. CJ and Toby’s relationship was no secret to the senior staff. It helped to have some kind of model. Two people fiercely dedicated to the jobs and each other. 

The night seemed to drag on, Toby begrudgingly mingling with guests, expanding on the new messaging for the year ahead. Despite the congratulatory handshakes and accolades, all he really wanted was to be alone with CJ. Few people’s opinions mattered to him as much as hers. 

He breathed a sigh of relief when Leo sent them home for the night. Events like this always exhausted him and as poised, eloquent, and charming as she was, CJ was clearly distracted. They went straight to the bedroom after arriving at his apartment. CJ wound her arms around his neck, his hand hands moving to her hips, pulling her closer. 

“You liked it?” He asked shyly, avoiding her eyes. She’d been effusive in her praise after reading the first draft but that was weeks ago and he’d been too flustered to fully take in her words. 

CJ nodded, “I did. It was incredible, Toby. You’re incredible,” her voice low and smooth. 

He felt the blush rise across his cheeks. Her bright blue eyes sparkled at him. “I’m so proud of you,” CJ said, reaching for his right hand, lifting it to her lips reverently. “We needed this tonight.”

His breath caught in his throat as he was momentarily overcome with emotion. Her admiration practically knocked his legs out from under him. 

“Josh is onto us,” he whispered. CJ wound her fingers in his curls playfully. Toby pulled her closer still, stroking her back. 

“Do you care?” her voice wobbly and distracted. 

“No, do you?” 

“No,” she gave a sly smile. 

“Good then I can keep doing this,” he rumbled before pressing his lips firmly to hers, kissing her deeply. Their hands roamed each other’s bodies, heat radiating between them. 

CJ stepped backwards until the back of her legs hit the bed. She laid back as Toby loosened his tie and unbuckled his belt. Her hands made quick work of the buttons on his shirt. Their lips barely separated as Toby unzipped her dress and slid it off her body. 

CJ moaned when he entered her, tilting her head back. “Oh Toby,” she sighed. He smiled against her lips before leaving a trail of kisses down the length of her throat.

“That’s my girl,” he crooned in response to her body rolling in time with his thrusts. 

Toby stilled suddenly, searching her face. “CJ...” he said hesitantly, “you know this isn’t just about this, right?” 

“What do you mean? What’s the matter?” She asked softly, raising her head to look at him. 

“You know I love you?”

CJ rested her forehead against his, pulling him closer to her. “Of course I know that.”

“Good,” Toby said, threading his fingers through hers, holding tightly. 

Minutes later she was panting his name, brought to edge of climax. He quickened his pace, feeling her tighten around him. It didn’t take much for the two of them to orgasm nearly simultaneously, CJ grinning at the way he groaned against her skin. 

She snuggled against his chest and they fell asleep tangled in each other, deeply content.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bonus chapter that popped into my head! No corresponding ep.

“Hey, CJ,” Toby started, knocking on her door as he walked in, his eyes on the briefing in his hands. 

She didn’t answer right away, and he looked up, puzzled. CJ was sitting on her couch, her head tilted back at an uncomfortable angle, sound asleep. Papers scattered her lap and her glasses sat at the end of her nose. 

Toby smiled at her fondly, wishing he could gather her in his arms and lay with her. He tip toed, if it was possible for a man like Toby to even do so, toward her, moving the papers and pens to her desk. He reached out, gently sliding her glasses off her face. CJ murmured, stirring slightly. 

“It’s just me,” he soothed. Toby placed a broad hand to the back of her head, gently guiding her to lie down. He reached for the blanket on the back of the couch, tucking it around her. 

“Toby?” she asked groggily. 

“Just sleep for a while. I’ll come get you in a half hour or so.” He brushed a kiss against her forehead, smoothing her hair before heading for the door. He turned to look at her sleeping form again, as he clicked the door shut.


	7. Slow News Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scenes from ep 5.12.

CJ stood in the door of Josh’s office, her hands fidgeting. He looked up, noticing the stricken look on her face. 

“What?” he asked. 

“Josh, this is,” she held up the piece of paper in her hand, “Toby’s resignation.”

Josh sighed, running a hand across his face. 

“He bungled it, CJ. This is a whole thing now.”

“You can fix it though, right? You have to fix it, Josh.” Her voice wobbled slightly, “Please.”

He was so angry he could barely think straight. Toby’s arrogance, his impulsivity was more than a bad political move. It felt like betrayal. He’d gone behind Leo’s back and it infuriated Josh.

But now, CJ was standing in his office, looking almost helpless. Her eyes glassy, lip pouting slightly. As angry as he was, Josh couldn’t turn his back on Toby. That’s not how their family works. And he couldn’t disappoint CJ, not after she’d come to him for help. So he did everything he could, spending the rest of the day finding a way out of this mess. He’d been successful but the tension and exhaustion lingered in the atmosphere of the West Wing. 

At the end of the night, CJ shuffled her way to Toby’s office, scarf and coat in hand. 

He was sitting with his feet up, watching the press conference. The day turned out to be more trying than she’d anticipated. She was looking forward to going home and crawling into her warm bed. Her head was spinning; anger, pride, and embarrassment weaving together. 

She tried to be casual, forcing a levity she didn’t feel. “So what do we do when Republicans and Democrats no longer have Social Security to thrash each other with?” 

“We move on to Medicare,” he quipped. There was something unspoken in his gaze, the way his eyes settled on her, glinting in the lamplight. 

“Always the slow news days, huh?” 

CJ turned to leave, stopping after a few steps. She worried her bottom lip, considering her words as she walked back over the threshold. 

“Did I do something wrong?” she asked. 

“I’m not following,” Toby’s brows knit together in confusion. 

CJ shuffled slightly, pushing a loose strand of hair from her face. 

“It’s just that you didn’t tell me what you were working on. Or about your arguments with Josh. And...I couldn’t get the Wall Street Journal to hold the story,” she finished quietly, looking at her shoes. 

Toby titled his head, studying her. 

“I really did try, Toby. You know that. I would have done anything to keep you from...” she trailed. 

He reached for the remote, muting the TV set and sat up fully. 

“I wanted to do something, CJ. I wanted to do something important. Be someone that mattered,” his voice low. “If I told you, you would have tried to stop me.”

“Of course I would have! That was totally reckless and you knew it,” she snapped. 

Silence hung heavy between them until finally CJ spoke softly, “You matter to me. You matter to Molly and to Huck,” her eyes met his. The intensity of his gaze nearly burned through her but she didn’t look away. “We haven’t done nothing for the last four years, Toby. Isnt that enough?”

“No,” he said simply. “It should be. But it’s not.”

CJ deflated, her shoulders sagging. 

This was one of the moments where they’d pass each other like planes flying the same route at different altitudes. 

CJ wrapped her scarf around her like a protective armor. Toby rose from his chair, knowing neither of them had anymore fight to give this evening. 

He helped her into her coat, before taking her slender hands in his, squeezing affectionately. 

“Do you want a baby?” he asked softly. 

The question had been on his mind all day. He tried to broach the subject earlier in her office by apologizing for the story; her hasty dismissal revealed more than she was comfortable saying. 

She smiled, lopsided and a little sad. 

“Sometimes. Sometimes I think it might be nice to do something normal. Something simple, and quiet.”

CJ swallowed, fixing her eyes on the wall at a spot just over his shoulder. 

“Then I think, nothing is ever simple with me, is it? I’m not sure,” she sighed, “I’m not sure I’m the mothering type.”

Silence fell over them again, her words reverberating between them. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jeanie. I’m sorry you thought that,” he whispered, brushing his thumb against her cheek. He waited to speak again until she raised her head to look at him. “For what it’s worth, I think you’d be a great mom.” 

She leaned forward, their noses brushing together. CJ hesitated a moment before kissing the corner of his mouth. 

“Goodnight, Toby.” 

And she slipped from his grasp.


	8. No Exit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from ep 5.20

Toby leaned against the doorframe of CJ’s office, his fist clenching and unclenching. His shirt was unbuttoned and rumpled, tie laying open around his neck. 

She eyed him from her seat behind the desk. 

“You look handsome.” Toby laughed in response, shaking his head. 

His eyes narrowed, seeing right through her as usual. 

“You okay?” he asked softly. 

CJ let out a long sigh, her ponytail swishing behind her as she shifted in the chair. 

“I said something stupid. I think I hurt Donna which is the last thing I wanted to do.”

“What did you want?”

“I just didn’t want her...I didn’t want her to be me. I didn’t want them to end up like us.”

“What’s wrong with us?”

He was surprised by the tears that suddenly brimmed her lower lashes as she gave him a look that made his chest ache. 

“Why did you tell me to fix things with Ben?”

Toby pondered this for a moment. “I want you to be happy, Jeanie,” he whispered, clearing his throat around a lump of sincerity. 

“I’m not sure I know how to do that,” she whispered. 

He pulled her coat from the rack behind the door. She stood, walking toward him, taking the cue. 

“You should get home,” Toby said. 

CJ squeezed his hand tightly. 

“You know, the hardest thing about you and I is that just when I think it might work, the whole thing falls apart again. And I don’t know how or why.”

Toby squeezed her hand in return. “I know.” He kissed her cheek softly. “Goodnight, sweetheart.” 

With that he turned down the hall, heading for the front door of the White House.


	9. Gaza

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from 5.21. The final chapter.

Josh was seated next to CJ on the couch, watching CNN’s coverage of the explosion over and over. Maybe if he looked long enough, hard enough, he’d catch a glimpse of Donna. Some kind of information that would tell him whether or not she was safe. It was not knowing that was the worst part, his mind providing a vast range of scenarios. Imagining her in a hospital bed. Imagining hearses and umbrellas and black clothes. Imagining her walking through the doors of The White House, unscathed, wrapping his arms around her tightly. He took a ragged breath, grounded by the sound of CJ’s voice. 

“Watching this isn’t going to help anyone,” she whispered. 

Josh made a strangled noise, shifting to lay his head against CJ’s shoulder. She reached for his hand, gripping it tightly. 

“Hey...CJ,” he started, “Are you okay?”

She took a sharp intake of breath. “Yeah,” she said easily, “Yeah, why do you ask?”

“You don’t have to pretend, I know about you and Toby...” he explained. 

CJ was silent for a while, her voice strained when she spoke. “Did you see his face? He still...he was devastated...he...he still loves Andy.”

She sniffed loudly and Josh pressed closer against her. 

“Maybe he would love her no matter what but I...I thought maybe after the house,” she took a shaky breath, “I can’t compete, Josh. She’s the mother of his kids. That won’t change. I’ll never be her.” 

They sat nestled together, sifting through the rubble from the last hour. He rarely accepted support, never showed just how scared he was sometimes. It was months after Rosslyn before he finally unraveled enough for people to notice. But today, when CJ suggested he sit in her office for a while, he didn’t argue. They were a family and today Josh needed his family. The weight of a lifetime of tragedy sat heavy on his shoulders, he clung to what he had left. 

“I can’t lose her, CJ,” he choked suddenly. Her arm wrapped around his shoulder, holding him tightly. 

“You won’t,” she whispered, “But no matter what...you’re not going to be alone. We’ve got you.”

The air seemed to grow thicker around them. 

“Josh...you should know—I told her to go on the trip. I thought it would be good for her. I’m so sorry.”

“Claudia Jean,” he said seriously, “It’s not your...it’s not your fault,” he finished, moving to look her in the eyes. 

Before she could respond, Toby appeared at the door, his brow furrowed. His dark eyes met hers, revealing what he couldn’t say. 

“There’s news, Leo wants to see us,” he mumbled. 

CJ stood, linking her arm in Josh’s. 

“Whatever it is, we’ll be right here with you.” 

......

That was the beginning of the end of their time together. Somewhere between bombings and heart attacks and promotions, CJ and Toby fizzled out. Of course their feelings hadn’t changed. They never would. But the possibility, the ease of being a couple alluded them again. It felt as far away as ever. 

Sure there would be times during the administration where they entered each other’s orbit. But it never felt as attainable as it did that year in the second term. 

Their disappointment was palpable but the best part about their poorly kept secret, was that it was never truly over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this fic and filling in all their little moments from season 5. Thank you all for reading and following along!


End file.
